


Burden

by sighmonk



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jeremy is an Asshole, Michael Mell Needs A Hug, Panic Attacks, Trans Male Character, Trans Michael Mell, Unhappy Ending, ventfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 18:31:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14599119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sighmonk/pseuds/sighmonk
Summary: Following the events of the Halloween party, Michael and Jeremy haven't spoken, or even acknowledged each other's presence. But Michael can only take not talking to his player for so long, and after bumping into him in the hallway, he decides to try and talk to his best friend.The confrontation goes sour very quickly.





	Burden

How many days had it been since he and Jeremy had last spoken? How long had it been since his phone lit up with that stupid bamboo ringtone, buzzing happily to alert him of a new message, or even more often, a stupid snapchat with little or no context? How long had they been avoiding each other?

The real question was how much longer Michael could take.

To say that Michael was a lonely person wouldn’t be wrong. Sure, he had the people he would talk to in class, or wave to casually in the halls, but none of them were actually _close_ to him in the way that Jeremy was. No one knew the secrets that they shared between only the two of them – secrets so deep that it took years of friendship to reveal such things. The amount of trust between the two of them was unbelievable, and Michael couldn’t be more grateful for everything Jeremy had done for him. And, of course, Jeremy felt the same way.

Or so he thought.

After twelve years of friendship, Jeremy threw it all away for popularity and a girl who hardly acknowledged his presence. He threw away all the trust Michael had in him. And though Michael was sure that the SQUIP was blocking out any serious remorse that Jeremy would probably be feeling, the way Jeremy had spoken in Jake’s bathroom on Halloween was jumbled – too quick and full of awkward stutters and trips – there was no way it was the SQIUP telling him what to do then. Hell, Jeremy had even said the SQUIP was off.

And that really hurt, knowing what Jeremy truly thought of him. 

Changing the song on his phone to _Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High_ , he laughed almost bitterly at the irony of the lyrics. It seemed that Jeremy only ever acknowledged his presence when he was, in fact, drunk or high, but it wasn’t exactly a welcomed recognition – on both ends, at this point. 

He leaned back in his chair, completely ignoring his AP Statistics class, and closed his eyes as he let the events of last Friday’s party replay in his mind. He knew he had to stop doing this, especially when he was at school. More than once, it had caused him to have a panic attack, and that was never a fun thing when he was locked within high school walls. But he did it anyways, not getting very far this time before the bell rang for his next class.

Letting out a sigh, Michael slung his backpack over his shoulder, grimacing slightly as he caught sight of the hastily drawn ‘ _riends_ ’ on the worn-out bag. He didn’t like Michael in a romantic way – at least not at the moment – and it was nothing more than a sad reminder that he didn’t want to deal with. So he forced himself to ignore it, pushing himself forward, and began making his way to his next class.

Of course, it didn’t take too long before he was swarmed by the rest of the school’s population, fighting his way upstream to his English class when he came face-to-face with someone overly familiar – someone he had been trying to avoid. And Jeremy seemed to be doing the same.

“Out of my way, Michael,” Jeremy hissed under his breath, going to side-step around the shorter boy, only for an arm to block his path. “What are you playing at? Move.”

Michael shook his head, not looking at Jeremy. “Dude, please,” he said, his voice almost breaking as he pulled his headphones from over his head. He forced himself to look up, eyebrows knitted together. “Talk to me. I need my player two.”

Jeremy only scoffed, looking around nervously. No doubt the SQUIP was talking to him – Michael could see the way his friend’s body relaxed, could tell that he was listening to something. Before Jeremy had time to follow through with whatever the SQUIP was saying, however, Michael reached out and quickly grabbed his arms, shoving him into the bathroom nearest to them. A few other guys milled about, not paying much attention, only giving the two a weird look if anything. But Michael ignored the glances, focusing on the acne-covered boy in front of him.

“Dude, for just a second, talk to me without that fucking tic tac,” Michael said, his voice exasperated and angry. The blue light continued to glint in his eyes, and Michael squeezed his hands tighter, only just realizing he had been holding Jeremy’s hands. “Please.”

Jeremy grimaced slightly, but nodded anyways, letting out a gentle breath before he spoke again. “Give me five minutes. Just so he’ll listen to me,” he said quietly. The blue lights faded quickly from his eyes, leaving that old smoky blue tint that Michael knew so well. The anger was still there, however. “I already told you, I’m not getting rid of the SQUIP. So what do you even want to talk about?”

Michael was almost taken aback by the callousness of his friend’s words, but he remembered the Halloween party and was instantly brought back to reality. He swallowed uncomfortably, rubbing the back of his neck with a free hand.

“It’s… I still want you to listen to me, Jer,” Michael said, forcing himself to meet Jeremy’s gaze. “The SQUIP is dangerous, man. I mean, you saw what happened to Rich.”

“Nothing happened to Rich,” Jeremy snapped. “Nothing that had to do with the SQUIP. He was just the right mixture of drunk and high that his SQUIP was off… he did that himself. If that’s not proof that the SQUIP was actually _helping_ him, then I don’t –”

“Let me guess, your SQUIP told you that?” Michael asked, a bitterness in his voice that hadn’t been there before.

Jeremy looked to the side, clearly uncomfortable. “Yes. But, you – it’s not like you know what Rich is like when he’s off his SQUIP. How do you know t-that’s not what he’s like? How would you know he’s not just a freak like that?”

“Because I knew him freshman year, Jeremy!” Michael nearly shouted, taking a step towards the taller boy. “Sure, I wasn’t close with him, but I knew that shy, lispy kid from my algebra one class well enough that he’d started supplying me with weed and, oh, guess what, he still fucking does!”

Jeremy took a step back, looking as though he was about to retort, but Michael cut him off.

“Dude, he was never the kind of person to burn Jake’s fucking house down, both with or without the SQUIP,” the shorter of the two cried. “The SQUIP must have fucked up his head enough that, when he realized he was finally free from it, he tried to get it out by doing something drastic. Maybe he –” Michael cut himself off as the thoughts rushed through his head, mouth hanging open and eyes wide. “Holy shit,” he breathed. “Do you think Rich tried to…”

“Of course he didn’t!” Jeremy shouted, throwing his hands up, making Michael jump in surprise. A bright blue light flashed in his eyes before it dissipated, leaving a pissed off Jeremy in its wake. That was something that Michael didn’t see often, and it made him kind of uncomfortable, but he didn’t have much time to think about it before he was thrown roughly into the wall, the front of his hoodie scrunched up in Jeremy’s hands.

Normally, being manhandled in such a way would have really freaked Michael out, but one of the things he knew about Jeremy was that he was legitimately nothing more than a twig. Even though he was a good two inches shorter than his friend, Michael was much stronger, physically, and could have easily broken free if he wanted to. But Jeremy was actually _talking to him_ , and he didn’t feel like running away yet.

Michael let out a bitter snort, raising his eyebrows in an irritated amusement. “What, are you going to beat me up now, Jer? Is that how little you think of me?” 

Something akin to sadness flashed on Jeremy’s face, but he pushed it aside quickly, focusing his eyes on Michael’s again. There was still none of that electric blue.

“The SQUIP is making my life better, Michael,” he breathed, narrowing his eyes. “He’s making it possible for me to move up in the world; to get closer to Christine! I’ve got new friends, and –”

“And you’ve left your best friend behind.”

“I’ve left a fucking burden behind.”

Whatever Michael was about to say caught in his throat, and he was left standing there, mouth open as he looked into the eyes of the boy who he’d known since kindergarten. Smokey blue. Acne scars littering the space between his eyes and the patches of skin around his lips. A hatred on his face that the old Jeremy wouldn’t have been able to make. Something snapped inside him, and tears started to well in his eyes.

“Really, Jeremy?” he asked, laughing bitterly as a tear fell down his cheek. “Really? First I’m a loser and now I’m a burden? Why the fuck would you say that to your friend?”

“Because it’s the truth!” Jeremy hissed, tugging harder on the red of his hoodie. “How many times have you texted me complaining about your dysphoria or some bullshit like that when you know I can’t help you? How many times have I come over to talk you down from a panic attack because you don’t know how to do it yourself? You think that doesn’t take a toll on my mental health?”

“You act like I haven’t been there for you, asshole!” Michael shouted, grabbing Jeremy’s wrists and pushing him against the opposite wall. “Of course you’ve been there for me – that’s what friends do! I’ve been there for you too! Did you forget all of sophomore year? Did you forget how I’d sit with you until three in the fucking morning calming you down? Did you forget who helped bandage your arms, who sacrificed so much of his time he could have spent playing games or sleeping to make sure you were okay?” Tears were now streaming furiously down his cheeks, and a sob wracked his body. “I was there for you and now you go off and leave me for new friends because of your fucking SQUIP…”

“It was my choice to get the SQUIP, Michael,” Jeremy growled, his voice low. He shook his hands free, pushing away from the wall so that he was standing a few inches from Michael, his face down. “And I’m sorry. You’re a good person, and you were a good friend. But you’re too clingy. And, you’re, just – uh, fuck, man… just too much.”

Michael shook his head, wiping some of the tears out of his eyes. He couldn’t believe this was happening.

“Activate.”

“Turns out you didn’t need the tic tac to be an asshole, Jeremy,” Michael spat, not looking up. “If our twelve years of friendship was such a burden on you, why did you stay my friend?”

Jeremy looked off to the side, letting the SQUIP talk him through his options. Michael saw the way his eyes glimmered, the way Jeremy nodded slowly before turning back to the slouching boy before him, the way he gently tapped the blue, pink, and white patch on the side of his hoodie.

“I felt bad for you, Ellie.” 

A beat. 

“I still do. Now,” he stepped forward, physically pushing himself past a visibly shaken Michael. “Get out of my way, loser.”

And then he was gone.

And Michael could hardly keep himself together as he staggered into the nearest stall, letting the contents of his lunch pour into the toilet as the bile forced itself out, tears mixing with the vomit as he hung his head over the porcelain seat. His heartbeat pounded in his ears, and he couldn’t stop the panic attack that was rising.

 _He called me Ellie_ , his mind screamed, repeating the dreaded name over and over as he pulled himself into a ball, resting his head against the wall as sobs began to shake him. He pulled his hoodie up over his head, clenching his eyes together as the gravity of the situation hit him.

 _Has he only ever thought of me as Ellie? Am I that much of a burden to him? Would he think that if I was still her? It’s all my fault – I chased him away…_ His breathing rapidly increased, and he gripped hard at the side of his sleeves to ride out the rest of the panic attack, trying to reassure himself that he was okay in the process. More than once, he reached in his pocket for his phone, ready to call his player two and ask for his help, but each time he pulled his hand away, cursing himself silently. _Are you that stupid that you just forgot what happened? He’s the one that hurt you! Get your act together Michael! Or should I say Ellie – fucking disgusting._

He hadn’t been deadnamed by Jeremy since he was fifteen, right after he came out, or by anyone in the school since he name was legally changed at the beginning of junior year. But knowing that Jeremy still thought of him as her made his mind wander to some of the darkest places it had ever been, which was saying a lot considering his state of mind as of late.

And that wasn’t something he was willing to deal with at school.

Sending a text to his mother, he grabbed his stuff and wandered towards the tennis courts, his eyes blank and heart racing as he waited for her to pick him up. He pulled his earphones over his head, laughing almost bitterly as the song _Sloppy Seconds_ began. His attacks always left him visibly shaken and exhausted, and this was no exception; really, he just wanted to go home and sleep. He’d get his PT Cruiser later, maybe tomorrow, if he went to school. But that wasn’t really important.

It’s not like he’d be going anywhere else. He only ever went to Jeremy’s anyways.

And he wasn’t going to burden Jeremy with his presence anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. Sorry for the amount of depressing fics lately, but something similar to this happened lately where I probably lost my best friend for good this time, and I could see the situation happening with Michael and Jeremy. 
> 
> To be clear, I like Jeremy as a character, but the kid was kind of an asshole when he had his SQUIP, and the SQUIP wasn't even on when he told Michael all those things at the party. Now, Michael isn't an angel either. He's kind of an ass during The Play when he refuses to give Jeremy the Mountain Dew Red unless he gets an apology, even though he knows his buddy is being controlled by a tic tac. But I still love my boys.
> 
> And yes, Ellie is Michael's deadname. I actually saw a fic where that was used, and I gladly accepted that headcanon.
> 
> But yeah. Enjoy the pain. :)


End file.
